Dear diary,

I’ve been so swamped lately! I’m reviewing all these applications for my screenplay class and there are SO MANY OF THEM! UGH! :< I told the school it’d be a bad idea but nooooooooooooooo, they wouldn’t listen! Like, I don’t get it, I have like 5 PhD’s, why doesn’t anybody LISTEN TO ME?! I mean, I give pretty sound advice, soooooooooooooo I just don’t get it. Why doesn’t everyone just ask themselves “WWFD” when making choices? I don’t know how I’m going to go through all of the applications. Even Zelda has been helping out nonstop, but she’s been downing so much coffee I made her stop because the stress and caffeine are bad for her diabetes. Sammy’s not allowed to help because he doesn’t have PhD. Yesterday, I was especially overworked, so I pushed myself away from the desk, took a deep breath and ask myself: WWFD? So I went out to Westwood with a crossbow and started shooting some of the students.

-xoxogossipjames

Dear diary,

I begin teaching at UCLA this fall and BOY AM I EXCITED. ♥ I finally completed the syllabus for the class. I call it: Poetry and Reality. I really think it’s going to help aspiring young minds become better artists when they really examine poetry and how it affects reality and I’ve listed some texts for prospective students to look at: Margaret Atwood and Jersey Shore for example. 

But O M G diary I posted up the course description and my email for submissions and I get this email:

You know Diary, I’ve actually considered teaching a class on myself, but never one about Davy. I think it’ll be really provocative and avant-garde and really display dadaism. Although those pop quiz questions are so stupid. First of all, I’m the one that calls Davy for coffee machine mishaps. And Davy’s cats don’t matter only mine, any person with an ounce of a brain would know that. Ooh, I should call up Columbia’s graduate philosophy program and ask if they’d want this class. Ooooooooooooooh I am EXCITED DIARY! I’ll have to draw up another syllabus! Let’s see, 15% of the grade can be on pop quizzes, 20% on weekly poetry samples critiquing Davy’s life, 25% on the final exam and 40% on a fifteen page essay on “Dave Franco, homoeroticism and the sociology of 21 Jump Street”. Required texts will include… umm… 21 Jump Street of course, aaaaaand The Plague by Albert Camus. OH POP QUIZ DIARY! If Dave Franco were to be a character in Game of Thrones, who would he be? I’ll let you think on that, Diary. ;)

-xoxogossipjames

PS. He’d be Arya. Duuuuuuh

Dear diary,

So I spent the past week watching Game of Thrones and like, BEST SHOW EVER, RIGHT? After I finished I went on the HBO store website and was looking for some merchandise for me and Zelda and Sammy and I looked at all the sigils.  Zelda is easily a Lannister though since she always does that face that Cersei does. Sammy could be a Stark or a Greyjoy, iDK!!!!! But I couldn’t decide who to swear fealty to though!! I THINK I want to be a Targaryen because I’ve been saying “FIRE AND BLOOD” since I was like, two. Mom said the were my first words. I sorta wanted a big ol’ stag on my wall since Bambi was my favorite movie when I was little. But I forgot about all of the houses when I saw that the Iron Throne was for sale. OMGGG DIARY. I ordered it immediately and it came in YESTERDAY!!! I was so excited I called Davy over and when he got here, he opened the door and found me sitting on the Iron Throne, pensively looking at a dagger in my right hand and holding a goblet of wine in the other. It cost $30,000, but don’t worry, I took it out of Davy’s college fund. Next I’m gonna work on a Daenerys costume for myself.

-xoxogossipjames

Dear diary,

I was in LA the other day, just writing in my creativity journal and having lunch, and I saw Davy out and about with little group of friends. There were was a girl that looked like she was probably half black and half white, a Mexican guy with a really small face, a blond 2 year old and a guy with a striped shirt and red pants. I screamed “HEEEEEEEEEY DAVYYYY!” He didn’t hear me, so I screamed some more and started crying and ran up to him, waving my pen and journal around, but I was stopped by some bodyguards and they wouldn’t let me through! OMG RUDE, RIGHT?! I yelled, “DAVYYY” some more, but still no answer. There were a lot of little girls screaming and running after Davy and his entourage too, and the bodyguards wouldn’t let the through either! I didn’t know Davy was so famous. Diary, be honest, is he more talented than I am? I know, I am pretty amazing. omGGG, thank you diary! But yeah, I gave up after an hour and went back to writing. Apparently, Davy and his entourage are called Wand Erection or something? Huh.

-xoxogossipjames

Dear diary,

thediaryofjamesfranco:

Happy Christmakkuh (those two k’s make a phlegmy sound, so say it like that)! I’ve been decorating my house for the holidays and boy am I excited; I haven’t slept for days! FOR DAYS! But that might just be because I take a 5 Hour Energy every two hours (Davy dared me to okay?!). It’s kinda fun. YOU SHOULD TRY IT, DIARY. I went Christmakkkkkkkuh shopping yesterday with Davy and I got everyone’s presents! For Tommy, I bought a vegan cookbook. I mean he already looks like a vegan, might as well go all the way. For my mom I bought her a copy of Palo Alto Stories and I made her a little button with Zelda and Sammy on it. Oh, I also sent her an ecard where three cats are singing “We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy meow year,” but instead of three cats, I had my face cropped onto one, and Zelda and Sammy cropped onto the other. Isn’t that SO ADORABLE, Diary? Oh and for Davy I got him and all his cats some Christmas sweaters with the word “FRANCO” written on each one  COUPON FOR A LIFETIME OF SLAVERY SO I CAN FETCH DAVY PUDDING WHENEVER HE WANTS AND PLAY WITH HIS CATS WHEN HE’S TOO TIRED TO KEEP THEM COMPANY. Oooooooooh I’m so excited! Oh, but you HAVE to keep it S E C R E T , okay Diary? shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

-xoxogossipjamesPOOP

GODDAMMIT DAVY.

Dear diary,

Happy Christmakkuh (those two k’s make a phlegmy sound, so say it like that)! I’ve been decorating my house for the holidays and boy am I excited; I haven’t slept for days! FOR DAYS! But that might just be because I take a 5 Hour Energy every two hours (Davy dared me to okay?!). It’s kinda fun. YOU SHOULD TRY IT, DIARY. I went Christmakkkkkkkuh shopping yesterday with Davy and I got everyone’s presents! For Tommy, I bought a vegan cookbook. I mean he already looks like a vegan, might as well go all the way. For my mom I bought her a copy of Palo Alto Stories and I made her a little button with Zelda and Sammy on it. Oh, I also sent her an ecard where three cats are singing “We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy meow year,” but instead of three cats, I had my face cropped onto one, and Zelda and Sammy cropped onto the other. Isn’t that SO ADORABLE, Diary? Oh and for Davy I got him and all his cats some Christmas sweaters with the word “FRANCO” written on each one. Oooooooooh I’m so excited! Oh, but you HAVE to keep it S E C R E T , okay Diary? shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

-xoxogossipjames

Dear diary,

OMG HELLO STRANGER! IT’S BEEN SO LONG! It’s really my fault though, I’ve been SOOO busy omigosh though. Halloween was AMAZING. I went to this Halloween party and I dressed up as a pear I forced Davy to dress up as a banana and Tommy to dress up as a bunch of grapes and we walked every together and pretended we were a bowl of fruit. But they kept wanting to leave and go talk to their friends so I had to go into the bathroom and yell at them. I threatened to not take them trick or treating if they wouldn’t stick to the costume. They still wouldn’t keep in one place so when it came time to go trick or treating I locked them in my living room and handcuffed them to the sofa. I had Sammy keep an eye on them so they wouldn’t escape and I took Zelda out and she was dressed up as me in 127 Hours, because Sammy was being a bad boy and kept meowing while I was painting. RUDE.

-xoxogossipjames

Dear diary,

I made my way to the beach the other day. OH WAIT, you should know, YOU WERE THERE! LOL wasn’t it fun though, LOL? We had such a nice day writing some short stories. I really liked the one about the Puerto Rican who uses too much salt when she cooks. But I can’t believe that kid got sand all over you O M G. I thought he deserved it when I kicked down his sandcastle and filmed him crying.

-xoxogossipjames

Dear diary,

I was listening to the radio for the first time today when I heard this magnificent song by someone named Adell. I think it was called “Some1 Like U”, but it was so beautiful and emotional that I dug through my closet and found my keyboard and started playing around and I tried to write a song. Zelda even started to join in, and we wrote a verse together. Here’s what I have so far!

It’s okay, I look for something to glue (meow),

Maybe a broken toy or broken zipper (meow)

Don’t dry out (meow), I beg, I don’t wanna go to the store,

(meow), wait I think I have some more glue in my office.

I call it “Something To Glue”

-xoxogossipjames

Dear diary,

I’ve had the sniffles lately, so I decided to cut classes short and let my students go free. But to make up for that lost time they have to analyze and critique my performance as James Dean through haiku. So yeah, I grabbed some pad thai on the way home. NOT spicy thank you very much, I learned my lesson the last time. I’m still trying to get those stains out. But yeah, I got home, ate and started reading. But omg, Zelda started doing the funniest thing. She somehow managed to climb on onto the ceiling fan, so I ran to the switch and turned on the fan on low and she was just sitting on the fan going around and around and around LOL. But then I got cold so I turned it off. Ugh why can’t Sammy ever do anything cute like that? If he doesn’t start pulling his wait I will give him to Tommy to use in his dance exhibit.

-xoxogossipjames