Dear diary,

I was in LA the other day, just writing in my creativity journal and having lunch, and I saw Davy out and about with little group of friends. There were was a girl that looked like she was probably half black and half white, a Mexican guy with a really small face, a blond 2 year old and a guy with a striped shirt and red pants. I screamed “HEEEEEEEEEY DAVYYYY!” He didn’t hear me, so I screamed some more and started crying and ran up to him, waving my pen and journal around, but I was stopped by some bodyguards and they wouldn’t let me through! OMG RUDE, RIGHT?! I yelled, “DAVYYY” some more, but still no answer. There were a lot of little girls screaming and running after Davy and his entourage too, and the bodyguards wouldn’t let the through either! I didn’t know Davy was so famous. Diary, be honest, is he more talented than I am? I know, I am pretty amazing. omGGG, thank you diary! But yeah, I gave up after an hour and went back to writing. Apparently, Davy and his entourage are called Wand Erection or something? Huh.

-xoxogossipjames

Dear diary,

thediaryofjamesfranco:

Happy Christmakkuh (those two k’s make a phlegmy sound, so say it like that)! I’ve been decorating my house for the holidays and boy am I excited; I haven’t slept for days! FOR DAYS! But that might just be because I take a 5 Hour Energy every two hours (Davy dared me to okay?!). It’s kinda fun. YOU SHOULD TRY IT, DIARY. I went Christmakkkkkkkuh shopping yesterday with Davy and I got everyone’s presents! For Tommy, I bought a vegan cookbook. I mean he already looks like a vegan, might as well go all the way. For my mom I bought her a copy of Palo Alto Stories and I made her a little button with Zelda and Sammy on it. Oh, I also sent her an ecard where three cats are singing “We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy meow year,” but instead of three cats, I had my face cropped onto one, and Zelda and Sammy cropped onto the other. Isn’t that SO ADORABLE, Diary? Oh and for Davy I got him and all his cats some Christmas sweaters with the word “FRANCO” written on each one  COUPON FOR A LIFETIME OF SLAVERY SO I CAN FETCH DAVY PUDDING WHENEVER HE WANTS AND PLAY WITH HIS CATS WHEN HE’S TOO TIRED TO KEEP THEM COMPANY. Oooooooooh I’m so excited! Oh, but you HAVE to keep it S E C R E T , okay Diary? shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

-xoxogossipjamesPOOP

GODDAMMIT DAVY.

Dear diary,

Happy Christmakkuh (those two k’s make a phlegmy sound, so say it like that)! I’ve been decorating my house for the holidays and boy am I excited; I haven’t slept for days! FOR DAYS! But that might just be because I take a 5 Hour Energy every two hours (Davy dared me to okay?!). It’s kinda fun. YOU SHOULD TRY IT, DIARY. I went Christmakkkkkkkuh shopping yesterday with Davy and I got everyone’s presents! For Tommy, I bought a vegan cookbook. I mean he already looks like a vegan, might as well go all the way. For my mom I bought her a copy of Palo Alto Stories and I made her a little button with Zelda and Sammy on it. Oh, I also sent her an ecard where three cats are singing “We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy meow year,” but instead of three cats, I had my face cropped onto one, and Zelda and Sammy cropped onto the other. Isn’t that SO ADORABLE, Diary? Oh and for Davy I got him and all his cats some Christmas sweaters with the word “FRANCO” written on each one. Oooooooooh I’m so excited! Oh, but you HAVE to keep it S E C R E T , okay Diary? shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

-xoxogossipjames

Dear diary,

OMG HELLO STRANGER! IT’S BEEN SO LONG! It’s really my fault though, I’ve been SOOO busy omigosh though. Halloween was AMAZING. I went to this Halloween party and I dressed up as a pear I forced Davy to dress up as a banana and Tommy to dress up as a bunch of grapes and we walked every together and pretended we were a bowl of fruit. But they kept wanting to leave and go talk to their friends so I had to go into the bathroom and yell at them. I threatened to not take them trick or treating if they wouldn’t stick to the costume. They still wouldn’t keep in one place so when it came time to go trick or treating I locked them in my living room and handcuffed them to the sofa. I had Sammy keep an eye on them so they wouldn’t escape and I took Zelda out and she was dressed up as me in 127 Hours, because Sammy was being a bad boy and kept meowing while I was painting. RUDE.

-xoxogossipjames

Dear diary,

I made my way to the beach the other day. OH WAIT, you should know, YOU WERE THERE! LOL wasn’t it fun though, LOL? We had such a nice day writing some short stories. I really liked the one about the Puerto Rican who uses too much salt when she cooks. But I can’t believe that kid got sand all over you O M G. I thought he deserved it when I kicked down his sandcastle and filmed him crying.

-xoxogossipjames

Dear diary,

I was listening to the radio for the first time today when I heard this magnificent song by someone named Adell. I think it was called “Some1 Like U”, but it was so beautiful and emotional that I dug through my closet and found my keyboard and started playing around and I tried to write a song. Zelda even started to join in, and we wrote a verse together. Here’s what I have so far!

It’s okay, I look for something to glue (meow),

Maybe a broken toy or broken zipper (meow)

Don’t dry out (meow), I beg, I don’t wanna go to the store,

(meow), wait I think I have some more glue in my office.

I call it “Something To Glue”

-xoxogossipjames

Dear diary,

I’ve had the sniffles lately, so I decided to cut classes short and let my students go free. But to make up for that lost time they have to analyze and critique my performance as James Dean through haiku. So yeah, I grabbed some pad thai on the way home. NOT spicy thank you very much, I learned my lesson the last time. I’m still trying to get those stains out. But yeah, I got home, ate and started reading. But omg, Zelda started doing the funniest thing. She somehow managed to climb on onto the ceiling fan, so I ran to the switch and turned on the fan on low and she was just sitting on the fan going around and around and around LOL. But then I got cold so I turned it off. Ugh why can’t Sammy ever do anything cute like that? If he doesn’t start pulling his wait I will give him to Tommy to use in his dance exhibit.

-xoxogossipjames

Dear diary,

I’m so sorry I haven’t been keeping up with you! :( School has been so busy lately. I’ve been helping my students put together short films, and I had them all make minimalistic posters for their films and OMG today one of them used COMIC SANS for her poster. CAN. YOU. BELIEVE. THAT. So I took her to a tattoo parlor and tattooed “James Franco did it” on her shoulder in comic sans.

-xoxogossipjames

Dear diary,

I saw the Broadway musical Wicked today. I thought it’d be good research for Oz. What a fun show! I’ll bring you next time diary, and we can watch together! Anyway, the show really got me thinking about what the Wicked Witch was going through during the rise of the Wizard, so I decided to study her side some more. So afterwards I went to the grocery store and bought all of their green food dye and the cashier asked me what it was all for, and I just yelled, “I AM THE ACTOR JAMES FRANCO DAMMIT” and ran off. I covered myself with the dye when I got home. I was so green man, it was SO cool! I went in my closet and grabbed a black bedsheet to use as a cloak, and I even found a witch’s hat! I have no idea what that was doing there, but I put all of it on and looked for a broom. I didn’t have a broom, so I grabbed my Swiffer duster (with the extension!) and ran around the roof of my apartment building, cackling the entire time. I think I learned a lot about the Witch.

-xoxogossipjames

PS. OH I just remembered: the witch’s hat was from when I auditioned for Tara in Buffy.

Dear diary,

I saw Davy’s newest funnyordie video. I am SO proud, diary. I can’t help but he gets his sense of humor from me. I mean, he certainly didn’t get it from Tommy. I emailed the link to Tommy and he just replied back with “ha”. I don’t think he really gets how funny it is. It’s like the time when I gave him pot brownies before his dance show and he just rolled around on stage yelling to the audience how much he loved John, which is what he apparently named his penis. Can you believe he was mad? I was like OMG IT’S FUNNY, YOU DUMBASS. Ugh I love him, but sometimes I just don’t get how we’re related. Anyway, I’m going to bed. Davy keeps bugging me about something called the VMA. I have no idea what that is, to be honest. Sounds like an STD. LOL what if he caught it fucking himself. LOL. Good night, diary.

-xoxogossipjames